What is an Enabler?

Understanding Enabling Behavior and Getting Help for a Loved One

Family members can do more harm than good when enabling a loved one’s behaviors. If you love someone who is an addicted person, it can shatter your heart every time you witness them engage in self-destructive, problematic behavior to support their alcohol or drug use.

But your desire to help or protect them might merely prolong your loved one’s addiction.

So, what is an enabler and how can you help someone without worsening their circumstances?

Purpose Healing Center is known for helping people recover from substance use disorders and related mental health conditions.

However, we also believe in offering professional help to family members, usually in family counseling sessions. We use family sessions to help family members learn to stop enabling behaviors and understand the differences between their own harmful behavior and how they can provide positive support for a loved one struggling with substance abuse.

Please continue reading to learn how your own actions and good intentions may have unintended consequences and how to encourage your loved one to seek professional help.

Read to the bottom of the post and download our “Are You an Enabler?” free checklist. And remember we are here at any time to provide additional support and accredited treatment options.

8 Common Signs of Enabling Behaviors (Especially Family Members)

This first section will be challenging, asking you to look hard in the mirror to discover if you’re an enabler. Are you enabling the person’s actions? Dig deep inside and look for these signs:

1 – Making Excuses for Negative Behavior

An enabler may make constant excuses for the person’s behavior. They know their loved one’s behavior is consistent with someone needing substance abuse treatment support but will try to explain it away to others.

Example: ‘Marie’ only drinks because she works at such a high-stress job.” The enabler is excusing drinking; while the job may be stressful, this excuse denies Marie’s responsibility to learn stress-coping skills.

2 – Denial of any Problematic Behavior

Some enabling behavior altogether denies their loved one has unhealthy behaviors. They know the negative consequences and stigma of drugs or alcohol and want to shield their family member or friends.

Example: “‘Tomás’ is not attending the party today because he has that cold going around.” The person does not admit to Tomás having unhealthy behaviors. The truth might be that Tomás is coming down from a cocaine binge the night before. However, the enabler will not stop covering up the real reason behind his absence – perhaps for fear of stigma.

3 – Bailing Out the Person

Enablers will move mountains to get their loved one out of a jam. An enabled person often finds trouble all too often. They are fearless of their negative behaviors because they know that other family members will help them manage the aftermath of their poor decisions.

Example: “I’ll do whatever it takes to get Hannah out of trouble.” ‘Hannah,’ who struggles with alcoholism, got arrested for a second DWI. Her father hired a successful lawyer to make bail. He also gave his adult child money for all the legal fees, hoping she would get her life straightened out.

4 – Turning a Blind Eye to the Problematic Behaviors

Some loved ones have extreme difficulty admitting that someone they love is heading in the wrong direction. They don’t admit the problematic behaviors to themselves or others.

Example: “I don’t know how ‘Noah’ pays for drugs, but he’d ever do anything illegal.” Noah steals from a local retailer and sells the items online to support his substance abuse. His enablers refuse to examine where the funds to support his substance use disorder come from.

5 – Avoiding Confrontation or Conflict

Some enablers try to communicate about the addiction. However, the enabled person lashes out to take back control of the discussion. The enabler backs down, often afraid that they will trigger the use of drugs or alcohol if they continue trying to talk with their loved one about the consequences of their actions.

Example: “We’ll talk about your drinking another day, ‘Ava’ – I don’t want to upset you.” ‘Ava’ has made the person back down, and all enablers quickly respond by retreating from the challenging conversation.

6 – Sacrificing Your Self-Care and Wellness

Sometimes, enabling behavior means a person sets aside their physical or mental health to look after a friend or partner who has a substance use disorder. Making excuses about why they don’t have time to look after their own needs puts and enabling families at risk of exhaustion or poor health.

Example: “I canceled my annual wellness exam to drive ‘Michael’ to meet with his probation officer, because he needed to speak about his urinalysis results.” This enabler puts themselves at risk by canceling a medical check-up. Michael is presumably an adult child; making excuses and enabling will only let him continue to dodge responsibilities.

7 – Depleting Your Money or Other Resources

One of the worst enabling behaviors is draining the bank account or continually providing money to cover the legitimate financial responsibilities of a loved one with addiction issues. Most people want to help their family member and do so without hesitation. However, the person’s responsibilities are not those of the enabler. Depleting resources can have long-lasting consequences on enablers.

Example: “I can’t afford a vacation this year. I’ve given ‘Marty’ the money to pay his child support so he doesn’t go to jail.” This enabler may not realize it, but Marty has spent his money on drugs or alcohol. He would have been able to pay his support had he received the therapy and quit substance abuse with the help of an effective rehab center.

8 – Failing to Set Healthy Boundaries

In many cases, the enabler may fail at setting boundaries because they feel they will keep their loved one safe. The goal is admirable – to protect a person they love. But left unchecked, the enabled person will trample on the enabler’s pure heart and take advantage of them.

Example: “I’m letting ‘Raquel’ stay with me as long as she needs me, even indefinitely.” This enabler has placed their life on hold and is putting their needs on hold without setting boundaries or time limits. This decision could have a long-term impact on the relationship with Raquel if her alcohol addiction continues to spiral out of control.

Defining the Traits of the Enabler Personality

We have worked with numerous families at Purpose Healing Center. In our experience, enablers are good people with kind hearts and good intentions.

However, enabling behavior can have unintended negative consequences. We understand that their intentions are noble. Still, mental health professionals will explain to them in family programs and therapies how their methods are usually harmful in the long run.

What is an enabler?

Here are some key things our family counselors often notice about those enabling substance use disorder clients:

• They are overprotective; they don’t think others will protect their loved ones in the same way they do.
• The enabler doesn’t want to face the addictive behaviors of their loved one and often make excuses.
• Guilt is often present; they enable others because they feel some unexplained sense of responsibility for the addictive behaviors.
• Low self-esteem is a common theme; they want to feel needed or loved by helping others.
• Some have poor judgment themselves; they’re not able to recognize the consequences of their actions when they enable addiction behaviors.
• Sometimes, the enabler has mental health issues – fear of abandonment, a co-dependent personality, or childhood trauma. The enabler must work on themselves before they become effective at helping others.

Our goal in counseling is to give the enablers the information they need to stop enabling. Once they recognize the enabling behavior, they can abandon it and start to support and encourage their loved one appropriately.

Enabling Behavior Versus Supporting Someone With an Addiction

Now you understand the common signs of enabling and how your personality may play a role. So, where do you draw the line between supporting and enabling a person you love?

Here’s how you can distinguish between the two:

An Enabler May Have One or More of These Behaviors

When you are not helping but enabling, it’s time to shift your mindset from enabling to supporting. Let’s review the signs of enabling behavior:

Enablers Help the Person Avoid the Consequences of Their Behavior

You feel you should protect the person from the natural consequences of their addiction. Enabling behaviors worsen matters in the long run. A lack of accountability allows them to continue on a destructive path of self-harmful behavior.

An Enabler Perpetuates Dependence on the Relationship

Whether the person with an addiction issue is your partner, child, sibling, or parent, you don’t believe they can solve their problems without you. You might even enjoy or feel gratified by this unhealthy relationship.

Enablers Have Removed All Guide Rails

You know that your loved one is in active addiction. Still, you won’t set boundaries or impose consequences for their actions. This places you and the person you want to help at greater risk and allows them to avoid facing their addiction.

You realize that the person’s behavior is endangering them – and perhaps yourself, as well. But you avoid conflict or deeper conversations and continue to let them cross your red lines.

Positive Ways to Support Someone Struggling With Drug or Alcohol Addiction

Replace enabling behavior with these actions that will encourage them to seek professional help for their addiction:

Encourage Responsibility and Accountability

Be there for the person when it’s time to accept ownership for their actions and take accountability.

For instance, you can offer to go to court with them if their attorney is asking the judge for drug or alcohol rehab programs to be mandated instead of jail time if legal consequences are pending. A show of familial support is one of the signs the courts often look for and can have a favorable impact.

Promote Individual Growth

Guide them in ways that let them make changes in life. Encourage them to take the necessary steps for personal growth.

Help them research treatment opportunities, helping them decide to deal with their addiction once and for all.

Set Clear Boundaries and Limitations as You Offer a Helping Hand

Define clear limits and boundaries to ensure both parties feel respect and love. You might be willing to help your loved one in a small way without letting them fall back to relying on you and perpetuate the addiction.

Offer Specific, Constructive Help

Assist the person as they try to improve their situation without actually taking over and doing it for them. An illustration of this could be accompanying them as they visit addiction treatment and detox centers to find the program that is the right fit for their needs.

This may feel like a “strings-attached” relationship. But keep telling yourself that it is for the ultimate good of the person you are helping. You can cut the strings after the person gets help and recovers from the addiction.

The Person with the Addiction and the Enabler May Need Therapy

Substance use disorders often require intensive therapy to heal. Anything you can do to support your special person’s sobriety journey will be well worth the effort.

What’s less discussed in the wake of addiction is a conversation about enablers and why they, too, may need outpatient therapy to understand their role.

The enabler often has unresolved trauma or emotional insecurities that make them co-dependent on the addicted person.

What Is an Enabler? Free Downloadable PDF Checklist

Print out our free self-assessment if you are unsure if you’re enabling. Reflect and answer each question honestly. The more enabling behaviors you check off the list, the likelier you need support to shape new behaviors.

Call Purpose Healing Center for Effective Treatment Programs

Purpose Healing Center is Joint Commission-accredited, with locations in Phoenix and Scottsdale. We take a holistic approach to addiction, including honest looks at relationship dynamics. That’s why we often include families in special therapy sessions.

We can take that a step further, providing support to the enabler whose behavior comes from trauma or mental health issues.

Call us confidentially today to discuss your needs – we are happy to assist in getting your loved one the help they need to transform their life.